How do you know if your significant other is "the one"? One author shares his thoughts.

by Jun Loayza


My grandparents were divorced, my parents are divorced, my older brother is divorced… it seems that the Loayza destiny is to get divorced from whomever we marry.

For as long as I can remember, my dad has constantly preached that I should not get married. “Be with a lot of women, live with one if she’s special to you, but never get married because love dies soon” he would say to me.

Through Awesome Revolution, I have interviewed at least four millennials that got married at the age of 22.

For a while, I just couldn’t understand it. I love Kim, but there is absolutely no way I would get married to her right now. How do I even know that she’s the one? After all, I have been in many previous relationships where I fell out of love with my partner. How can I be sure that it won’t happen this time?

I searched on the blogosphere, and a ton of people have written posts about “how to know if she’s the one.” All of them gave crappy, sappy advice like “You know she’s the one when the first thing you think of in the morning is her” or “No one can tell you if she’s the one; you just know.”

Lame, I say.

So, as an entrepreneur, I sat back and looked at my relationship holistically. I compared my relationship with Kim now to all of the other relationships that I’ve ever been with to see if I am going down the path of a breakup or if Kim might truly be “the one.” Hey, all my friends seem to be married or getting married; maybe it’s time for a Loayza to find his one true love.

After analyzing my relationship, I realized the following:

I can punch her in the face when she’s annoying

Figuratively speaking, guys! When Kim is being annoying, or if I have a problem with what she’s doing, I have no problems with starting a fight with her. And I’m not talking about the “Where did you leave the remote control?!” kind of fights. Those are lame, ridiculous and utterly stupid. I’m talking about the kind of fights that show you care enough to get into an argument with her.

I was previously in a relationship where we absolutely never fought. It was strange—and at the same time, I thought that I was in the perfect relationship because we never had an argument. Looking back, I now realize that it wasn’t the perfect relationship; it was more like the perfect fling. We never got into a fight because we just didn’t care enough about each other for it to matter.

If Kim does something that I feel is wrong, I call her out on it. If Kim starts bumming out, I’m going to kick her little tush until she gets motivated again. All couples fight; you just need to fight for the right reasons.

I double-take but don’t seriously consider it

For some reason, my DNA is wired in a way where I can’t help checking out other girls, flirting with other girls and wanting them to like me. (Hmmm… maybe it’s called “being a guy.”)

Throughout every relationship I’ve even been in, I’ve always had a “go-to girl” on the side. It wasn’t like I was cheating on my girlfriend; she was just another girl that I liked and that I knew liked me. At times when I got tired of the girl I was with, so I would have fun with this other girl, making me feel more alive. Yes, I know this makes me sound like an a**hole.

But I think this is a key point in knowing if I’ve found “the one.” I no longer have a “girl on the side.” In fact, I constantly meet girls that I am attracted to, but the thing is, I immediately tell them that I have a girlfriend. Yea, it sounds like a lame accomplishment, but it’s a pretty big deal for me. I want to make it clear to the girl, and more importantly to myself, that I am completely devoted to Kim.

Lunch with the ex

Trust is probably the most valuable component of any relationship. In my previous relationships, if I told my girlfriend that I wanted to hang out with my ex, she would flip her wig and start yelling at me: “Am I not enough for you?” (I have gone out with some seriously crazy girls before.)

You might think I’m lying, but I’m being completely honest when I tell you that Kim is completely fine if I go out to lunch with girls that I used to date. Of course there are a few conditions:

  1. We must split the bill.
  2. She has to be completely over me.
  3. We can’t go to a restaurant that Kim and I love to go to together.

Trust is the most important part of any relationship, and the ultimate test of your mutual trust is if you trust her to go out with her ex, and if she trusts you to go out with yours.

I’m happy to say that we pass the test with flying colors.

[Notice that I say “lunch” and not “dinner.” Dinner with an ex will ALWAYS be off-limits.]

I’m proud to show her off

I can’t wait to show Kim off to my friends and family. It’s such an amazing feeling when you have a girlfriend that you’re proud to be with.

The test for this is simple. Ask yourself:

  • Do you hesitate to introduce your girlfriend to your friends or to your family?
  • Are you honest when you talk about your girlfriend’s career with others, or do you make her career sound more prestigious than it actually is?
  • Do you talk about your girlfriend when you’re with your friends or family?

Kim perfectly fits each and every one of the qualifications that are important to me. I still think I’m too young to get married (I’m 23), but I can honestly and proudly say that Kim is the one. I’m not ashamed to say it, nor do I feel like I’m going to miss out on all of the potential girls that I could have.

This post feels right, and it makes me feel happy to put my feelings about her in writing.

What qualifications must your significant other pass in order for you to know if he or she is the one?

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