Before you complain to me or your mom or anyone else, you’d better have done everything in your power to secure a job.

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Raise your hand if you know that person who constantly whines about never being able to find a job. Or – wait for it – you are that person who just can’t seem to find a gig.

If you’re one of those people who has big ambitions but is consistently unlucky in finding a great gig, it must be them, not you. It must be the economy, not you.


Before you complain to me or your mom or anyone else, you’d better have done everything in your power to secure a job.

You must have the best resume EVER. It must have been crafted by a Pulitzer-prize winning writer, look like it was designed by a MOMA-displayed artist and be presented directly to every hiring manager and recruiter in the country.

You must have researched interesting new startups in your dream field, contacted the head/CEO/president/founder and sent them said gorgeous resume while also connecting with them on LinkedIn and Twitter.

You then must have arranged informational interviews with said dream companies.

When those finished, you must have attended classes to pick up that new skill lacking in your industry like HTML, ebook formatting or video production 101.

You watched every TED talk on the internet made by top speakers in your field, then written an article about each one and posted it on your blog.

You practiced interview skills with your parents, siblings, best friends, dog, cat and the homeless guy next your apartment.

You stopped watching YouTube videos with cats playing the piano, pandas sneezing, and otters holding hands.

On that note, you must have stopped watching TV altogether so you can focus solely on searching for work.

Since you’re not watching TV, you must spend your nights attending networking events, volunteering at conferences, taking your dream mentor out for drinks and joining groups called Young [insert industry here] Alliance.

You’ve clearly accomplished everything on that list. You must be EXHAUSTED. Those recruiters are clearly all idiots. I can’t for the life of me imagine why you’re not employed.

Thanks to this amazing post by Make Sowden for inspiration.

Marian Schembari is a blogger, traveler and all-around social media thug. She’s based in Auckland, New Zealand, hails from Connecticut and blogs at


  1. Alicia Reynolds Bostic

    Love this! Wish our education system taught young people how to create opportunities rather than wait for the knock. You have to get UP and make $h!+ happen.

  2. Joel Rigonan

    They call our young people nowadays the “instant generation”. They want everything now. But when it comes to work, they laze off the opportunity. Instead of them attacking they retreat and wait for an opportunity to chase which is not going to happen because opportunity is always working. It doesn’t have time to stop itself unless grabbed by the seeker. Working for your future is now! Find a great job:

  3. Katina Bell

    I think job seeking starts with a perfect resume which is your first step in the door and the first impression is always very important. We all know it is not that easy to write a really good one but there are so many sources on the Internet full of wonderful tips (e.g. this one , just to be clear what I mean, but there are dozens). One should follow the tips that best suit and all of a sudden, you can win your dream job.

  4. Lee Ray

    Although the satire is thick here, it does represent the effort needed. If you are seeking a full-time position, you must dedicate yourself full-time to the search. There are days it is so totally frustrating, but at the same time, you are meeting all these new people to network with as well as learning of new opportunities. As always, I’m open to new suggestions and opportunities…all I need is one!

  5. Christian Shultz

    This is the roadmap / guidebook / direction sheet every jobseeker needs to read in order to learn how to land a job.

  6. Stephanie Gittinger

    Looks like I need to step up my game.

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